I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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