i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
