I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
