That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
