He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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