okay pat passed out under dana's car
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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