My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
