Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
