Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
