wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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