Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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