when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
