During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
