I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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