dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
