god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
