Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
