A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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