the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Be still, my beating vagina.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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