i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
