god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Where is the hickey?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
