if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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