he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
