So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
