just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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