he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
