I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
