I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
