so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
