ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
