is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
