Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize