I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you never un-have a 4some
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
