bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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