there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
