You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
