I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Randomize
