i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Randomize
