i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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