She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
