burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
