i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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