im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
