i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Randomize
