Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize