I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
