so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
