JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
