I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
