just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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