I saw his package. It spoke to me.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
