There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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