No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I am one with the molecules
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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