I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
