i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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