I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
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