I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
