If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Randomize
