I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
